Have you ever felt that when expectations are placed on you by a few good people, especially the closer ones, the ones you love or those you respect and look up to, the more you'd shun from and reject rising to and fulfilling them?
I'm keenly acquainted to that.
They said that they regarded me as someone examplary of this and that virtue, such and such of a godly sister, woman, and I just somehow tried my best to believe, and I couldn't. I thought I did because I agreed with them that that was what I want to be. They were all stemmed from good intentions, godly intentions, and I know it is God's will for me - well 'cos God wants me to take after Him of course. But the years went on, I doubted myself, doubted their hearts, doubted if I was not someone they wanted me to become that they'd love me less. Deep inside, I doubted God. Didn't I? That He could not change me 'cos I am too much for Him, I'm too stubborn and self-centred, I take too long, too troublesome.
A little by little, I understood myself, what I was actually doing beneath it all. Take away so-called struggle with others' expectations and struggle with believing in myself, fool. This had to do with godliness, spiritual maturity, being a giant in the land: all God's speaking into my life through others.
So although it seems peculiarly artistic and romantic in that self-absorption of understanding myself and protecting my individualism such that expectations of those I hold dear and revere upset and repulsed me, it is foolishness. Plain crass! To trade your birthright for a bowl of lentil soup? Bleah!
Now, now, God, the ever patient God, wonderful amazing awesome God! For all that time, He has waited to say, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with Me..."
I want His plan. I want my life written by Him. I want Him to smile and I want Him to dance, just at the thought of me, and when He writes my life story. Because He knows I am His whole-heartedly.
So, expectations, what's your deal? I'll recognise if you're black or white, and even if you were grey. I'll channel my emotions right, 'cos I'm the boss of them, and it won't go devil's way.
