I like to close my eyes all throughout times of singing worship to God. He's so captivating.
Then when I started leading worship, I realised I needed to open my eyes at intervals to see what is happening with the rest of the worshippers. Not so that I can boost my ego like I used to think its purpose was (how naive younger Sharon was it tickles me), but because I am in some way in between as I minister to God as well as beckoning others to do likewise.
Through the years, I have seen weariness, emptiness, lostness, sadness, absent-ness, cynicism, unbelief etc., in many people, whether it was shown through body language, on their faces or in their eyes. I'd try to surmise and figure out why they looked this or that way when they worshipped Daddy. I'd assess myself: Did I lead well? Did I not follow You? Did I exalt myself instead?
Then if I had peace and He smiles, nothing else mattered. Answers would come streaming in, and I would have compassion on those I saw that was not my own.
Those answers opened up a new world for me to understand, like an extension to my spectrum of emotions. I went through stuff and I know what it's like to not be able to connect with a song when my heart is doubtful of God. I know what it's like to stare blankly at the worship leader and wonder what I was supposed to do, where he/ she was leading us to and if I wanted to follow.
Agonising, that's all I can describe of such times.
I thought, hey, I finally know what it feels like and to be one of those who just stand and stare and sing short of 'whole-heartedness'. It felt good to be able to then fully empathise, and it felt momentarily powerful to allow myself to lag behind and decide that I was not gonna follow the full way. Sorry, 'trap', it says. It was stupidly self-inflicting. Stupidly stupid.
And maybe some people have to go through that in order to find that out. But maybe some are still caught in that trap.
The truth is this: I am His handiwork, His workmanship; simply put, I am created by Him. I am His child. I am royalty; He is King, I am His daughter. I am made for eternity with Him. I am made to be holy as He is holy. I am made to enjoy Him for He is perfection. He is not narcissistic, only honest, and supremely kind, that He would lead us to Himself, beauty Himself. Therefore I worship Him because that is being the truest to myself, agreeing with all of heaven that I am His created, He is my Creator; that I am His beloved and He is mine; I am His daughter, His beauty reflected. I AM WHO HE SAYS I AM.
What right does the clay have to think and formulate doubts and contest the Potter? Say to the Potter that it is meant to collect dust in the backyard when the Potter has made it for containment of premium soil to grow flowers? C'mon, clay. You're clay. Potter knows best.
Let doubts lead us to finding out the truth. Let doubts be answered by His sacrifice. Let doubts be replaced by faith. And check out what faith really means. "Seeing is believing" is what frail men settle for as an excuse for inadequacy. Same goes for 'feeling' if I replace it with 'seeing'. Strong men acknowledge their inadequacy and choose faith in the One greater than them.
May worship of You permeate our hearts and become our lifestyle.
May all that is in me worship You! We are only ourselves then. :)
