Arise!

Have you ever felt that when expectations are placed on you by a few good people, especially the closer ones, the ones you love or those you respect and look up to, the more you'd shun from and reject rising to and fulfilling them?
I'm keenly acquainted to that.
They said that they regarded me as someone examplary of this and that virtue, such and such of a godly sister, woman, and I just somehow tried my best to believe, and I couldn't. I thought I did because I agreed with them that that was what I want to be. They were all stemmed from good intentions, godly intentions, and I know it is God's will for me - well 'cos God wants me to take after Him of course. But the years went on, I doubted myself, doubted their hearts, doubted if I was not someone they wanted me to become that they'd love me less. Deep inside, I doubted God. Didn't I? That He could not change me 'cos I am too much for Him, I'm too stubborn and self-centred, I take too long, too troublesome.
A little by little, I understood myself, what I was actually doing beneath it all. Take away so-called struggle with others' expectations and struggle with believing in myself, fool. This had to do with godliness, spiritual maturity, being a giant in the land: all God's speaking into my life through others.
So although it seems peculiarly artistic and romantic in that self-absorption of understanding myself and protecting my individualism such that expectations of those I hold dear and revere upset and repulsed me, it is foolishness. Plain crass! To trade your birthright for a bowl of lentil soup? Bleah!
Now, now, God, the ever patient God, wonderful amazing awesome God! For all that time, He has waited to say, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with Me..."
I want His plan. I want my life written by Him. I want Him to smile and I want Him to dance, just at the thought of me, and when He writes my life story. Because He knows I am His whole-heartedly.
So, expectations, what's your deal? I'll recognise if you're black or white, and even if you were grey. I'll channel my emotions right, 'cos I'm the boss of them, and it won't go devil's way.

I like to close my eyes all throughout times of singing worship to God. He's so captivating.
Then when I started leading worship, I realised I needed to open my eyes at intervals to see what is happening with the rest of the worshippers. Not so that I can boost my ego like I used to think its purpose was (how naive younger Sharon was it tickles me), but because I am in some way in between as I minister to God as well as beckoning others to do likewise.
Through the years, I have seen weariness, emptiness, lostness, sadness, absent-ness, cynicism, unbelief etc., in many people, whether it was shown through body language, on their faces or in their eyes. I'd try to surmise and figure out why they looked this or that way when they worshipped Daddy. I'd assess myself: Did I lead well? Did I not follow You? Did I exalt myself instead?
Then if I had peace and He smiles, nothing else mattered. Answers would come streaming in, and I would have compassion on those I saw that was not my own.
Those answers opened up a new world for me to understand, like an extension to my spectrum of emotions. I went through stuff and I know what it's like to not be able to connect with a song when my heart is doubtful of God. I know what it's like to stare blankly at the worship leader and wonder what I was supposed to do, where he/ she was leading us to and if I wanted to follow.
Agonising, that's all I can describe of such times.
I thought, hey, I finally know what it feels like and to be one of those who just stand and stare and sing short of 'whole-heartedness'. It felt good to be able to then fully empathise, and it felt momentarily powerful to allow myself to lag behind and decide that I was not gonna follow the full way. Sorry, 'trap', it says. It was stupidly self-inflicting. Stupidly stupid.
And maybe some people have to go through that in order to find that out. But maybe some are still caught in that trap.
The truth is this: I am His handiwork, His workmanship; simply put, I am created by Him. I am His child. I am royalty; He is King, I am His daughter. I am made for eternity with Him. I am made to be holy as He is holy. I am made to enjoy Him for He is perfection. He is not narcissistic, only honest, and supremely kind, that He would lead us to Himself, beauty Himself. Therefore I worship Him because that is being the truest to myself, agreeing with all of heaven that I am His created, He is my Creator; that I am His beloved and He is mine; I am His daughter, His beauty reflected. I AM WHO HE SAYS I AM.
What right does the clay have to think and formulate doubts and contest the Potter? Say to the Potter that it is meant to collect dust in the backyard when the Potter has made it for containment of premium soil to grow flowers? C'mon, clay. You're clay. Potter knows best.
Let doubts lead us to finding out the truth. Let doubts be answered by His sacrifice. Let doubts be replaced by faith. And check out what faith really means. "Seeing is believing" is what frail men settle for as an excuse for inadequacy. Same goes for 'feeling' if I replace it with 'seeing'. Strong men acknowledge their inadequacy and choose faith in the One greater than them.

May worship of You permeate our hearts and become our lifestyle.
May all that is in me worship You! We are only ourselves then. :)

God: infallible

We were made to desire perfection. I see glimpses of it every day in the strangers I pass by and in the pretty things we create. These glimpses make us step in their direction. We pursue them in thought, first, second, and third. Sometimes with a long gaze too.
You, God, do not have mere glimpses of perfection, You are perfection. To have and to hold You is all every soul wishes for, whether we know it or not.
Count me blessed, that I know, and I pursue in kind manner that You have, You above all that I have come to love and know. We fit like jigsaw pieces with edge touching edge, uncontrived, with spaces none to overcome. There is no space. Nothing is in between, and it is what frees me.

thought on relationships

A girl should not manipulate a boy by displaying emotional breakdowns, expressing petty disapprovals, threatening with break-ups or issuing ultimatums, whining with charm and wearing too little, to an end of getting what she wants.
A boy should not manipulate a girl by sweet-talking, splurging on gifts, making demands in the name of love, and making empty promises, to an end of getting what he wants.
Because more often than not, our wants are selfish. They are only centred on a single person on the planet called I. They don't take into account the big picture. They have varying power to take away happiness from one or more people. They could cause irreversible damage.
A girl desires love and the intimacy that comes with love. She thinks she loves, because she loves passionately and regardless of flaw. But in loving passionately, she may fail to respect. She disrespects the boy when she does what she should not, when she disregards his feelings often a world of difference from hers. She must know, surely she must know, that love is finely girded with respect. Love falls headlong into nothing, falls apart to a disarray, when respect is frail or even absent.
She must consider the boy's situation, his person, his reputation, his heart, his life. If she does, she should further consider others who are linked to the relationship. She should think and act towards their best interests. She should seek wisdom, possess and wield it, for the goodness of all. She should have heart and believe the best in him. She should believe, not fear.

Today, I'll just talk about the girl. She needs to learn, or she'll never bloom.
I'll leave the boy alone for now.

You Never Walk Alone

It's a family club. :D

"There is a spiritual diet without which no Christian can be strong and healthy and fruitful. And that is a diet of the word of God."
John Piper

How much wisdom is in that statement. Though I don't know this man personally. He's an anointed servant of God whom I very much look up to and am mentored by through his books and teachings. There is such a reverence for God in him that I'd only learn to have.

Thank you Pastor John. You have taught me the one thing that's truly needed.

"Teach [me] to make the most of [my] time, so that [I] may grow in wisdom."
My prayer, quite often, is this. I'm just passing by, so I hope to make the most out of my time here loving people and letting them know that. Eventually so that they may know the love of our heavenly Father, whose love is an anchor through whatever difficulty of any magnitude. To have that in perspective, it's grave. But it's good.

the lion city

Cambodia teaches me to love my own country. It's funny how the affections for a foreign place could ignite a deeper wealth of emotions for where I was born and raised. There's a kind of pride that everyone possesses for their nation. It commends and honours the people, culture, government, laws and so on. And it gives honour to people of other nationalities as well. I believe that if we don't love our country, criticise and loathe our fellow countrymen, we can't begin to love people of other origins.
Loving Cambodia by praying for them, ministering to the locals and embracing the physical conditions, I questioned myself if I do that for Singapore. I should be doing the same, if not doubly so. Over the years, God made me see how essential Singapore is to me simply because I am Singaporean; my destiny is linked with hers. She is a beautiful city, and a representation of His power. I wanna love my country even more this year.